Hi, I just did a little web-searching and joined... to save myself. Thank you for reading my thoughts. I go through these phases of wanting to connect with
people--with friends. Through facebook, through anything, because they are my anchors in life. But when they aren't there, I am lost and alone. And
it's how I feel now since most of them have gotten married and don't keep in touch very well. For that I am deeply disappointed. I do have a best
friend that I do lots of stuff with. She's married and soon will have children so I know it's not permanent, this feeling of belonging. And she's
able to give me attention which I need so badly. But knowing it isn't permanent--in fact nothing is permanent-- causes me to distance myself and believe in
nothing. But when I feel a content, peaceful feeling in my heart I know it will be okay. Lately I haven't felt that and inside my heart is sad, but on the
outside I pretend I'm happy. Pretend I'm happy because I don't want my family to worry. Really I just want to slip away but I know I could never do
that because I am forever tied to these people in my life. It's a good thing because it forces me to interact otherwise I might lose myself, but how I wish
I could simply disappear and have no contacts, no one worrying about me. But is that what I really want? Probably not. I'm just not receiving the attention
I so desperately need, and it's one reason I want to cut off all ties from friends. Not my family, though, because I don't want to cause drama and they
don't have what I need right now, anyway. I haven't been diagnosed with BPD due to health insurance reasons, but my old friends and my university
counselor have decided it's what describes my actions and thoughts best. Can anyone offer me any thoughts that might ease my mind and heart a little?
my thoughts
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 acloudedmind |
my thoughts |
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Posts: 1 (12/06/08 20:01:22) |
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Phin |
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Posts: 2 (12/07/08 22:50:08) |
Hi, I'm new here too. I thought I'd chime in, though i don't think I can help much. My wife suffers from all the symptoms of BPD though she has
refused to seek any type of help or diagnosis. She often talked of feeling lonely, like no one was really there for her. At time she admired that i could be
content when i was alone, and at other times she hated that about me. She finally gave up on us after 2 1/2 years of maraige and 8 years together. She kinda
"slipped away", left me, her dog, her job, her freinds, her clothes, her car, almost everything. Fortunately she moved back to her home town where
her family resides. I guess she fealt more like she was escaping all the bad stuff here, for what she saw as her ideal world. I want her to be happy, and i
sometimes hope she's kicked BPD and just found a better man and a better life but i fear in a few months that her world will collapse again.
I'll share a little info i found at another site as it may be appropriate here. My wife always seemed to think she grass was greener on the other side, but was always let down when she got there. I saw a quote somewhere that said "the grass is always greener where you water it". My take on that is the grass is greenest where you actually put in the hard work to make it green. Don't give up on the relationships you already have, I hope you have someone you can confide in, someone to share your thoughts. I know I'm not much of a help but I'm going to try and check in here every day. I'll start my own post and would like your feedback too! |
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