I've been hospitalized 4 times in the past year. Contemplating suicide has become a regular part of my day. It wasn't until about 3 weeks ago when I
was diagnosed with bpd, after nearly 6 years of putting money into the health care system, taking drugs from doctors who didn't actually listen to me, and
talking to therapists who seemed to validate my behavior. I have pushed away everyone that I loved, failed school, and moved back in with my parents. The
only solace I find is with my two cats. I hate my life right now. I can't trust myself to be alone, for I fear my impulsivity. I was in an emotionally
abusive relationship for months that ended, yet I can't seem to tear myself away from it. I've felt vengeful towards this man, taking his behavior
towards me up to new limits back towards him. His boss had asked me about some of his abusive behaviors and threats when I was in the hospital in March, and I
declined to give her the evidence to fire him. However, today, after he put me over the edge, I sent her a letter stating that we had had sex in the Jewish
student center where he works on campus, while he was on the clock, including in the chapel where spiritual students go to pray. I haven't heard back from
her yet but he is almost certain to be fired. I can't decide if this is me doing this or the bpd flaring up like gas on a fire. I'm not sure if I
feel better because I did something that I thought that he deserved or if I feel awful that I have acted petty. I'm both disgusted with myself, yet proud
for finally taking an active role towards his treatment of me. I just feel that there may soon be a large alliance against me and I'll feel more isolated
than I did ever before. The more isolated I feel, the more attractive the option to end it becomes. I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone to
talk to. I'm angry, afraid, and alone.
i might just be crazy
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 oyvey227 |
i might just be crazy |
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Posts: 1 (05/24/09 21:25:59) |
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caldokid83 |
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Posts: 3 (05/25/09 16:32:23) |
Im sorry to hear you are having a hard time...
You are not alone.. I to live back at home, no job because I cant deal with it, I have 2 rabbits I love, and one friend... I was diagnosed with BPD not to long ago too, I stopped cutting myself when i was younger, but have thought about killing myself for a really really long time.. I sabotoge EVERYTHING, ive even started with my family.. AGAIN... I even got addicted to the Therapist like I did with my Ex... But, There is more to life then this... Im just waiting to find out what it is.... Be safe! relax and Stick around, cuz when you are how you are suppose to be, it will have all been worth it! |
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oyvey227 |
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Posts: 2 (05/25/09 19:15:23) |
I can't imagine anything getting better at this point. I look ahead to the coming days and I have nothing to look forward to. I'm doing my best to
get help. I called the hopeline yesterday and today, but today I got this %!%%# whom I hung up on. How the hell is that supposed to help? She talked to me
like I was an idiot - loud voice, sounding out her words like I was in #@*%+$+ speech therapy or something. And I have this book, "New Hope for People
with Borderline Personality Disorder," and there's this paragraph in there about suicide from a "suicidologist" named Marsha M. Linehan (who
knew that existed? maybe I'd be good at it). It states:
"The desire to be dead among borderline individuals is often reasonable, in that it is based on lives that are currently unbeareable . . . the problem is usually that th epatient simply has too many life crises, environmental stressors, problematic interspersonal relationships, difficult employment situations, and/or physical problems to enjoy life or find meaning in it. In addition, the patient's habitual dysfunctional behavior patterns both create their own stress and interfere with any chance of improving the quality of life. In sum, borderline individuals usually have good reason for wanting to be dead." Can we hit the nail on the head a little harder here? It's practically validating my suicidal urges. What the %!!@? When I read this I started crying because it seemed like someone was reading my mind. (Oh and I hope by stating what book it came from and who said the quote I'm getting out of any plagiarism accusations - I am not claiming the above statement as my own). Anyways, it looks here like I have plenty of reason to want to be dead and there isn't much hope of the future getting any better, especially with me failing my last semester, getting panic attacks at work, and constantly looking at my phone for text messages - alas there are always none. So I guess I'll be continuing on my lonesome life as long as I can hold out. I usually curse when I wake up for having to face another day with me and my ++$+#$ up brain. Why can't I just sleep forever? Anyways, I'm really just venting right now. Has anyone else ever talked to bitches on those therapy/suicide prevention lines? What the %!!@ is their problem? Can anyone relate to the above paragraph and my feelings about death and the future? By the way I really appreciate the response caldokid83, it made me feel like someone was listening, which means more than you could know. |
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kmbcoug |
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Posts: 4 (05/26/09 11:52:42) |
I'm sorry as well. Sometimes I get so hopeless too. Your comment about "sleeping forever" is something I've been writing about for years in
my journals. It seems so inviting just thinking about closing my eyes for the last time and putting it all behind me. I've been doing crazy research on BPD
lately. I don't know how much this will help, but even when things seem so hopeless, I know now that at least others are really benefiting from help,
therapy, and support. There are success stories, it just takes some time, something that is hard to wait for in our culture and society. Keep trying. Please.
Some of the worst feelings are helplessness and hopelessness. And It's so good to see that you are trying to seek help and support. You are helping
yourself by talking, by calling helplines (even though those experiences can be very frustrating), by continuing day to day. But there is hope, we just have to
search harder to see it. Keep going.
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caldokid83 |
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Posts: 4 (05/26/09 16:21:35) |
lol, thanks.. I know what your going through, my #@%$ inpluses piss off the therapist, but she wont say it does, and i cant even LOOK
at her, cuz then i start to analzye her, and fire off a hate email, and she is always nice to me even when i do that, and that kinda pisses me off too! I go in
there, COMPLETELY LOST as to wtf I am suppose to say and do..
She makes me lead the conversation, but then somdays I dont have ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT! I will say though, I started to smoke weed this past few months, and it lets me see the whole situation play out... What I do etc.... I reccomend it... I want to go talk to my therapist stoned, but....I dont know if they like you to do that... I keep figuring her out! I go in and out of somthing in my head... Where I engage with her, then i come out of it, and it was all just a lie... Like, I controlled everything she said to me, and i just got her to say what I wanted... Then I am no longer fixed like I thought I was. . . . Its tough, But, I have stopped apologizing to people all together... afterall, t his isnt my fault, and if people dont like me how i am, well FU^% them! Youd be surprised what happens when you stop saying that your sorry.. I told my parents, that i dint know if i loved them, cuz i really dont, and im not apologizing for what i feel or think, now their super nice to me, and i dont fight with them.... The dating world is another story... I call everyone out, even the therapist.. I should/could be dead, but I found a hobby (fishing), that keeps me going.... And i tricked myself along time ago to hate the sight of blood, so no cutting... Just writing.. I reccomend writing...thats what i do, write and give it to the therapist. I even tell her when to read and when to ignore them cuz im just looking for attention somtimes 
Hey though! If you ever need anyone to talk to! hit me up on AIM! dszinmkr23, cuz i just got new to this, and i have no BPD friends...
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oyvey227 |
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Posts: 5 (05/26/09 20:07:16) |
!@+!. I just wrote a beautifully written piece that was deleted as soon as I hit the wrong submit button. Now I don't feel like typing it again.
You'll get a piece of me tomorrow. Damn - it was so clever and sassy and sarcastic........ Just another thing to add to my list of reasons of hating my
life.
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caldokid83 |
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Posts: 5 (05/26/09 20:43:13) |
lol hey hey! you and me both!
Im sitting in my room, where I have been sitting for 4 hours, bored, alone, fu%%king depressed... NEVER FALL INLOVE WITH A NARCISSIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I swear if i ever see him again....err, then i miss him... Effin hate this so much... Both of my parents have personality disorders, so when I get upset, and we all fight, they just talk to themself! I have no job, no money, 1 friend, 2 rabbits, a car with 220k miles on it, and insurance runs out at the end of the month, I had my EFFIN heart ripped out, while my ex laughed about it.....and to top it off, All i do it sit here with no where to go, and noone who wants me....I dont even like to go out, cuz when i see couples, i just want to walk up to then and hit them against the effin head........ So i know your story all to well. I am emotionally exausted... I am at my wits end.. I am going in there on Friday, to my therapist, and just going to sit there, Not even going to talk to her, ill wait until she talks to me. I cant stop contemplating just forgetting the whole therapist thing, but im trying not to give up! well, going back to sitting alone.
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inkanon |
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Posts: 10 (06/26/09 00:34:36) |
oyvey -- if it means anything, writing that letter to the boss, like, officially makes you my hero. i'm trying to decide if it's cooler if you actually
DID have the sex in the chapel or if you just made it up. but, jeez, if he's an abusive wanker, then the farther away he is from chapels and colleges, the
better. pat yourself on the back and stop feeling guilty.
and i have been hopeless, too. i have dropped out of college, lived with my parents, alienated friends, and been alone. i have felt my life was meaningless and a waste of time and just not worth living. i think what kept me from doing it was thinking of my parents, and how much it would hurt them if i killed myself. but now i have some good days, and i try to remember. i don't know if i'm going to get better, all the way better, functionally better, to have the life I want to have, but some days i think it will be good enough. it's hard to remember that, though, when it gets dark. keep hanging on. -i |
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