At this point I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know if I have the will to live and go on with this disease, and I don't know if I have
the will to end it and give up. I know I'm going to be living with this and fighting against it for as long as I can see. I do things that I don't
understand myself. I've lost the love of so many people, and I don't even think I love me anymore. I'm having a hard time seeing clearly.
I'm having a hard time seeing reasons to continue on. Hopeless, helpless... I'm sure someone can relate???
somewhere between life and death
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 oyvey227 |
somewhere between life and death |
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Posts: 6 (05/27/09 09:38:24) |
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caldokid83 |
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Posts: 6 (05/27/09 15:41:05) |
Hi, Could you descrive what you mean, by that, you dont know who you are anymore?
What do you do that you don't understand yourself? I too and trying to find someone to relate to... I am having a hard time doing it with the therapist... 
I loose myself all the time, one day i see what i do, then the next day I dont think I have a problem..Then it all starts over, like some sick fu%#$@ cycle. |
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oyvey227 |
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Posts: 7 (05/27/09 17:48:21) |
I don't know myself because I can't concentrate on anything, even reading books about bpd. I push away everyone in my life who tries to help me. I
spend hours a day crying. I hurt people for no reason, feeling like it isn't even me doing it, but rather some inner demon taking over. I don't know
why I say the the hateful things I say or do the things I do to isolate myself. Which leaves me here, alone, and wishing to be loved. If only I were capable of
it......
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kmbcoug |
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Posts: 7 (05/27/09 19:31:50) |
I think I can relate, Oyvey. Right now, I feel like I can't trust anything that I say, think, or feel. I'm feel invalid almost. I feel lost too. And it
saddens me that I could be making others lose themselves because they are afraid to be true with me. Right now, I just feel dry. Like I've already cried
the tears. I've already decided to try and get better. NOW WHAT? Everything seems so hopeless sometimes, and on top of that, I don't even know
what's real with me anymore. I feel trapped inside. I just want out. I don't know who takes over me, but I know that I hate her and I want her to leave
and stop ruining everything that I have with people that I love. I want to be loved too....so bad. But then it scares me when people try. What are we supposed
to do? I'm reading books. I've joined this forum. I understand bpd intellectually, but the anxiety and the fear and the pain never stops. My dreams are
no escape. I just need to know...is this it? So, that's it. I think I can relate.
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caldokid83 |
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Posts: 7 (05/27/09 22:02:45) |
well dont feel alone ok!?
I know what your going through, your definatly not alone... Im trying to think of it like I joined a little "click" of people who are clones of me, and we are all dealing with a defect and all comming up with ideas and tricks to make it through, to the end, and who can get out of this the happiest.. The other day, I fought with my parents, I made my mom cry and my dad upset that he left...I told them that I dont know if i love them... Because I dont.. Im so jaded, this has to be someones fault! I think my mom is BPD, and my dad narcissist/skitzophrenic....So you can imagine how loving my mom was, for real... BPD people can be when incharge of taking care fo someone else, we even amaze the therapist at our ability to love someone else (like a child) who has no attachment like a wife or a husband....then the normal avg. person... I try to pound into my familys head, that I have a problem, but it is noticed for a little while, then it is back to the old, pushing of my buttons, sending me into psychosis, making me feel crazy.... Oh well....I dont know what to do really, I cant sleep, i havnt in 2 days, my therapist has not emailed me back, im frantic shes ignoring me, and im scared that if i dont go in there and tell her that im about to bail if she cant email me back, them i will bail
Then i will just be me again.....pisses me off..... |
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